/Communication

The Sweet & Sour Sauce of Integrative Communication

The topic of today’s Communication Lab experiment is Sweet & Sour.  You may have tasted a sweet and sour sauce, often used in Chinese cuisine to go with fish or meat.  The intriguing part about Sweet & Sour is that it combines very different and somewhat opposing flavors to create a new, balanced flavor.  We are going to take this concept of Sweet & Sour and apply it to our communication.

Video link: http://youtu.be/pWPw7jbUk9I

Have you ever felt stuck or pulled in different directions by an internal struggle because you had conflicting thoughts in your head?  Today we will learn about integrative thinking, which is similar to the concept of Sweet & Sour. You will pick up a communication technique that will help you transform conflicting ideas into creative solutions.

In his book “The Opposable Mind: How Successful Leaders Win Through Integrative Thinking,” Roger Martin defines integrative thinking as:

“The ability to face constructively the tension of opposing ideas and, instead of choosing one at the expense of the other, generate a creative resolution of the tension in the form of a new idea that contains elements of the opposing ideas but is superior to each.”

The expression that often indicates the presence of conflicting thoughts is “Yes… but…” . For example, you know you should do something, but you can see many obstacles on your way that keep you stuck.  Instead of a clear “No, nope, nowhere, nohow,’” you offer a tacit “YOPE’” – “yes” and “nope” in one.  This “YOPE” thinking is a protective strategy to minimize uncertainty or the risk of failure. YOPE gives no hope.  

Turn “Yes… but…” into “Yes…and…so…”

Instead, let’s  play a language game to get at the core of the issues.

Example: A client of mine may say, “I need to give this person an honest feedback, but she will get upset and won’t listen.”

This is the cautious YOPE response that doesn’t encourage action.

The trick is to change the ‘yes…but…’ response to ‘yes…and…so…’.

Example: “I need to give this person an honest feedback, and she will get upset and won’t listen, so…”

After ‘so’ is where the secret Sweet & Sour sauce comes in. The person has to come up with the next proposition, assuming the first two are true. This can either boost some creative thinking or reveal limiting beliefs and barriers.

Examples:
“I need to give this person an honest feedback, and she will get upset and won’t listen, so…”

  • “I have to prepare for this conversation more deliberately”
  • “I have to control my own responses better”
  • “we have to choose the best time and place possible for this conversation”
  • “I need to acknowledge how she feels first”
  • “I have to avoid making the issue personal and give a lot of support”
  • “we should brainstorm solutions together”

When you play with the language like that, it may illuminate some fallacies and inconsistencies in your thinking and prompt more creative responses.

By | 2013-08-21T20:01:40+00:00 December 1st, 2012|Communication, Conflict Management|0 Comments

From Hot Buttons to Hot Products: Conflict Pro Gift Guide

Got a peacemaker on your gift list or want to redecorate your office or yourself?  Look no further than this Conflict Pro Gift Guide.  Enough of neuroscience already, although you may want to check out my recent webinar on the brain and conflict at the ADRhub Werner Institute. Today, my neurons sparkle with the anticipation of the holidays.  I am very grateful to all of you, my dear readers, for your support and our mutual learning and sharing!  Thank you!  Let’s have a little bit of dopamine-inducing, conflict-reducing fun and indulge in these peacemakers’ picks for the holidays.

You have a big heart, don’t you?  Otherwise, you wouldn’t be in the peacemaking business. Perhaps, your home or office needs a heart too.  Check out this Driftwood Heart.  It can serve as a good conversation piece, whole-heartedness priming device, and an object of metaphorical exploration.

Driftwood HeartSugarcoating problems won’t solve them, but it will make them sticky.  A heart-felt, direct apology can go a long way, especially, if it is delivered on a fun notecard, like these “Sorry I Was So Prickly” cards.

Sorry I was Prickly
What are you grateful for this holiday season? These simple but elegant Thank You notes will help you express your gratitude to people that make your life happier and brighter.
Thank You NotesThere are many peacemaking tools out there, but kindness stands out from the crowd.  Kill Them With Kindness…or with this art print.

Kill Them With Kindness
Holidays can be joyful, and they can also be stressful. “There’s an Elephant in the Room Cards” were created to help people move with grace through difficult moments in their relationships.

You were right
If you want to master your relationships and be a peacemaker or know someone who could benefit from conflict management skills (and who wouldn’t?), the book “Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY™ Model” by Cinnie Noble will equip you with research-based and battle-tested tools to navigate interpersonal disputes.

Conflict Coaching

To borrow the title of Laurie Baker’s short story – “Go in Peace, Not in Pieces.” …Although the pieces from The Barber’s Daughters jewelry can certainly help you go in peace, like this “Breathe Peace” necklace.

Breathe PeaceI can’t wait for their Prayer Rings collection to come out. Spin the messages ‘peace begins with me’ or ‘one moment at a time’ on your finger.

Prayer Rings

Eat in peace and in style.  This Earth-friendly, non-toxic and safe White Peace Plate will remind little peacemakers to play nice.
Peace Plate
Your power lies in the questions you ask.  The answer is always closer than you think. Here’s a good question…“What good shall I do this day?”
What good shall I do this day?

This is your life. Live like you mean it. Be inspiring like this Holstee Manifesto Poster.

And above all, don’t forget to smile!  Happy holidays!

By | 2012-11-20T15:54:04+00:00 November 20th, 2012|Books, Communication, Conflict Management|0 Comments

Sweet kindness

chocolates“As long as I live
My heart will express a humble kindness
As long as the wind blows
My kindness will gallop freely.
As long as my heart beats,
My spirit will always go
Searching for you
To influence you
To be kind to others.”

~ Steve Dudasch

Kindness can be as sweet as a piece of chocolate. It turns out you may want to use sweet foods to influence others to be kind. Having a sweet tooth may be bad for your diet but good for your disposition according to several studies from North Dakota State, Gettysburg College, and Saint Xavier University.  For example, people were more likely to volunteer to help somebody after eating a piece of sweet chocolate than after eating a sour candy or a bland cracker.  Participants also rated those with a sweet tooth as more agreeable and helpful than others.

Researchers hypothesize that the results may signal a link between metaphors associated with “sweetness” and our perceptions of behavior.  Gettysburg professor Dr. Brian Meier explains:

“Taste is something we experience every day. Our research examined whether metaphors that link taste preferences with pro-social experiences (e.g., “she’s a sweetheart”) can be used to shed light on actual personality traits and behavior.

“It is striking that helpful and friendly people are considered ‘sweet’ because taste would seem to have little in common with personality or behavior. Yet, recent psychological theories of embodied metaphor led us to hypothesize that seemingly innocuous metaphors can be used to derive novel insights about personality and behavior. Importantly, our taste studies controlled for positive mood so the effects we found are not due to the happy or rewarding feeling one may have after eating a sweet food.”

Perhaps, chocolate at the negotiation table, or any table for that matter, may not be a bad idea.

By | 2012-09-09T04:10:59+00:00 September 9th, 2012|Brain, Communication, Conflict Management|0 Comments

Body language: 5 expressions your brain can’t resist

Whenever we speak to someone face to face, a lot of information is communicated brain to brain even without our conscious awareness.  To keep us safe and thriving, our brains have evolved to pick up on body language and subtle cues during social interactions that could signal our standing in a group or warn us of any potential threats.  Here are five body language expressions that our brains can’t resist.  You can notice and use them to convey persuasive messages:

1.  Mimic me subtly.  Mimicry helps to establish rapport and social bonding.  If people click, they tend to reciprocate gestures, postures and expressions, increasing trust and likability.  Similarly, we unconsciously adopt accents of people we speak to. However, a complete lack of mimicry or too much of it can backfire.  Parroting others or exaggerating their gestures sends a message that social cues are off, which makes people feel uncomfortable and can quite literally give them chills. Don’t be a copycat. Our brains are also quick to notice incongruence of the words and body language.  Balance is the key when it comes to mimicry.

2.  Point that finger. You may have heard the phrase, “Never point a finger at someone because there will always be three pointing back at you.”  While pointing with your finger is considered impolite in many countries, it is very effective in directing people’s attention.  The good news is you can use images of an outstretched index finger to the same effect. They grab attention better than pointed arrows or written words even when the images are irrelevant to the task at hand.  A pointing finger is a biological cue that is hard to ignore.

3.  Look me in the eyes.  The eyes are sometimes called “the windows to the soul” because they express our feelings and reveal intentions.  It is not surprising that we tend to follow other people’s eye gaze.  A directional eye gaze establishes the shared attention field. A recent study of politicians and their voters suggests that people may tend to follow the gaze of leaders they respect and accept as an authority.  Direct eye contact helps not only to gain a person’s attention, but also to create an emotional connection and make an impression.  A direct eye gaze rapidly activates brain areas that are important for emotion and attention, such as the fusiform and amygdala.  At the same time, a prolonged eye contact may appear threatening and uncomfortable.  Some cultures consider looking directly in the eyes aggressive and disrespectful.

4.  People who yawn together, work better together. Yawning gets a bad rap because some believe if you yawn, you must be bored.  It turns out that yawning serves an important neurological function.  It improves alertness and concentration, regulates brain temperature, lowers stress, brings more oxygen into our bodies, among other things. If you ever watched Olympic speedskater Apolo Ohno before a race, you probably noticed a yawn or two.  I doubt the Olympian yawned because he was bored or didn’t get enough sleep.  In fact, when asked about it in an interview, he explained with a smile that his yawning was akin to the yawning lions do in the wild: “I want to be a lion.”  You can yawn strategically too.  Do it right now. Take a deep breath and get yourself into the yawning mood.  Just look at the images above.  If you have people around, that’s even better because yawning is contagious, and it activates a region of the brain thought to be involved in empathy. Fifty-five percent people yawn within five minutes if one person in a group yawns. Yawning can improve group cohesiveness because it helps people synchronize their behavior with others.

5.  Smile. “Peace begins with a smile,” Mother Teresa was right. If we all smiled more, the world would be a more peaceful and cheerful place.  Smiles are contagious. When we smile, people tend to smile back. Smiling signals friendliness and social acknowledgment.  People who are acknowledged by a stranger feel more connected to others immediately after the experience than people who are deliberately ignored. People who smile in their Facebook profile photos tend to have more friends and be at the center of their social network.  We even tend to judge smiling faces as brighter than frowning faces. Smiles are effective in lifting our own mood as well.  Try smiling even if you don’t feel like it.  A genuine smile engages not just the mouth, but also the eyes and the cheeks. The face muscles involved in the smile serve as a feedback mechanism to your brain that things may not be as bad as they appear at the moment. Smile and the world will smile back at you!

How much attention do you pay to body language when you communicate with others?

By | 2012-06-27T15:55:32+00:00 June 27th, 2012|Communication, Perception, Public Speaking|1 Comment

Speaking magic: 5 brain-captivating principles to magnify your message

SpeakingWhether you speak, present or teach, you may need some superpower infusions to combat short attention spans and the multitude of distractions we are all bombarded with in any given moment.  Luckily, with the help of a few mind tricks, sprinkled with the current brain science pixie dust, you can turn your messages into attention-pulling magnets.  Here are your five brain-captivating principles to craft magical as opposed to mixed messages.

1.  Dare to care and show it.  Passion is infectious. People want to feel and see passion.  Our brains are social. We have a special set of neurons, called “mirror” neurons, to help us with our human connections. Neuroscientists are exploring whether the mirror neuron system in the brain is linked to empathy and enables us to better understand other people’s intentions, feelings, and emotions.  Emotions spread across our social networks.  When we smile at someone, chances are high that the person will smile back. Even yawning is contagious.  If you are bored with your own topic, don’t expect your audience to jump up from their seats in excitement. In contrast, if you are passionate and your body language shows it, your audience will respond with emotion.  Passion in the delivery of your message can even compensate for some deficiencies in your presentation.  It is a magical ingredient!

2.  Highlight presentation patterns. Your most important points will blaze brighter if they are set off properly.  When you prepare your presentation, think about the patterns your presentation creates rather than the usual outline of the talk.  Perhaps, we can borrow some magic from people with synesthesia, whose senses blend so that, for example, they may see colors or feel the texture of the letters they read.  If your presentation were a tapestry you wove out of the threads of your stories and messages, what would it look like?  Our brains thrive on patterns.  They are wired to recognize patterns and make predictions, based on our previous learning and experiences.  What patterns do you intend to create or break?  You can make certain messages stand out by varying the flow of your presentation and using breaks, music, visuals, activities and pauses that can give your audience the opportunity to reflect and absorb the material.  Define the white space in the structure of your presentation that makes the main points more visible and allows for the percolation of ideas to the surface.

3.  Sync minds through storytelling.  Nothing captivates the human brain more than a good story.  Stories engage us on the emotional level.  Experiences accompanied by strong emotions are more memorable.  When the story resonates with the listener, the brains of the speaker and listener may synchronize, suggesting a deeper human connection.  The best stories are co-created with your audience.  Make sure your participants can see themselves in your story and can relate to the characters and their journeys. Your story can provide hooks for the participants to hang their own assumptions, beliefs, fears, and hopes.  We all suffer from the so called the “egocentric bias” – we think we know better. Asking the audience to take perspectives of different characters in your story may help them overcome this bias and be more receptive to other points of view. The more your participants feel the ownership of the story, the more they become invested in its development and success.

4.  Misdirect and provoke.  At the core of every joke are frustrated expectations. Humor jolts the brain by planting predictions and then cleverly violating them.  When we are surprised or caught off guard, we pay more attention.  We want to make sense of the situation to feel more in control. Humor elevates our mood, and positive mood has been found to enhance creative problem solving. In addition to humor, good questions offer a way to provoke your participants into thinking differently.  Use open-ended questions, which start with who, what, when, how, where to open possibilities. Ask people to offer examples or experiences that contradict their own current way of thinking. You can’t change other people’s minds, but you can “confuse” them enough that they might change their own.

5.  Work behind the scenes to direct the spotlight. Our physical environment is a silent decision-maker that influences perceptions and judgment. Just like a magician can manipulate the scene to make the audience shift its attention to something while a watch disappears from the wrist of an unsuspecting volunteer, the presenter can use smells, colors, sounds, and textures to influence the moods and minds of the audience. For example, playing a piece of music while the audience gathers can set the mood for your presentation. A moderate-level of ambient noise (about 70 decibels) enhances creative problem-solving and may even lead to a greater adoption of innovative products. The smell of peppermint or rosemary can help people pay attention to details while lavender oil promotes relaxation. Cacao activates the production of endorphins that make us happy.  I once attended the Rubin Museum of Art Brainwave series, in which neuroscientist David Linden talked about his book “The Compass of Pleasure” while master chocolatier Jacques Torres provided the audience with his mouthwatering chocolate samples. (You can watch the video here, alas no chocolates.) Thus, the cognitive pursuit of pleasure was magnified by the gustatory pursuit. Create a multisensory experience for your audience, and it will make your messages more memorable.

What is your favorite mind trick to get a point across?

By | 2012-05-24T20:40:04+00:00 May 24th, 2012|Communication, Public Speaking|1 Comment