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The A’s, D’s and R’s of ADR

The author of today’s post is our guest blogger Tricia Lewis. While completing her post-graduate studies at Durham College, Tricia was involved in establishing the Campus Conflict Resolution Service. This service allowed for her to further develop her skills as a Mediator, whereby she participated in on-campus group facilitations and mediations. Moreover, she has training to deal with issues of Bullying, At-Risk Youth and Safe Schools Awareness. Since completing her post-graduate certificate in Mediation/Alternative Dispute Resolution at Durham College last year, where she developed a strong foundation in Alternative Dispute Resolution, Negotiation and Conflict Analysis, Tricia Lewis has become an active member of the ADR community.

Moreover, from her four-year Bachelor’s of Arts degree in Paralegal Studies, Tricia developed a core foundation of understanding and applying legal principles and practices. And with over five years experience in the legal field, spanning across multiple practice areas, Tricia has been able to use her knowledge and experience and apply it to her focused civil mediation practice.

Social media forums have truly become a great avenue for connection and sharing ideas and information. In recent group discussion on Twitter, that evolved from @Lawsagna’s  “Games of Conflict”, @BenZiegler, @CINERGYCoaching and myself  @TriciaLewis creatively collected words that embodied characteristics of the term Alternative Dispute Resolution. This being achieved by selecting words that started with either an A, D or R.

For the A’s, the words crafted were: access or accessible, acknowledgment, appropriate, alternatives, and accountability.

For the D’s, the words put-forth were: decision, detail, dissect, dialogue, discovery, dynamic and design.

For the R’s of ADR, the group mentioned the following words: rules, roles, ramifications, rewards, and resilience.

From these selected words, a full thesis could be produced to provide a detailed historical analysis linking its relevance to the field of ADR, however, for this purpose, a simple review of how each word fits neatly into the broad-spectrum of dispute resolution practices should suffice.

When we think of a dispute, from inception to dissolution/resolution, each of the terms selected by the group of mediators are applicable at one or more points in the stages of mediation. The basis stages of mediation commonly known are as follows: Pre-mediation consultation, Mediation and Post-mediation/resolution.

Each of these stages having sub-categories and key-points to the process and procedures of standard mediation practices. Using the words gathered through the on-line group discussion, below I have identified the stage of mediation where each of these terms would be most applicable. However, each word is not absolute characteristic of a specific stage in mediation process, as mediation in itself is a very fluid form of ADR.

The words access or accessible, discovery, design, rules and roles are applicable to the first stage of mediation. They are intrinsic to conflict resolution; recognizing the issues, setting the ground-rules, and trouble-shooting for early solutions. Most importantly identifying who the players and decision-makers in the process. Acknowledgment, accountability, dialogue, detail, dissect and dynamic are words that would best meet the characteristics of the second stage of the mediation process. At this stage, the parties are generally engaged in the process, and there is desire amongst them to work to resolve the conflict. The conflict is broken down into its various issues, attempts are made to truly see the other person’s perspective and brain-storming options for a solution. And lastly, alternatives, decision, detail, ramifications, resilience and rewards are words that correspond to the parameters of the last stage of mediation. This stage concludes the efforts put forth by all parties involved and mediator; finalizing the information brought forward by the parties and the methodology used to arrive at a decision and the documentation thereof.

Generally speaking, we can find words to describe or put to mind the context of an issue, but in the end it’s how the word is applied that matters to the disputants. The perspective. The application of words to provide context to a situation may invariably be the commencement and conclusion of any conflict.

By | 2012-04-22T18:25:20+00:00 April 22nd, 2012|Conflict Management|0 Comments
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The Game of Conflict: Rules, Reactions, Roles, Ramifications, and Rewards.

The Game of ConflictSometimes Twitter randomness can spark an idea that is worth exploring beyond 140 characters.  Reading “A different way to game,” in which  developer Jason Rohrer explains how video games can be used to challenge our perceptions of the world, followed by a Twitter conversation with @TriciaLewis, @idealawg, @CINERGYCoaching and @BenZiegler, led me to ponder a question of approaching conflict as a game.

When we say someone “is playing games,” it typically has a negative connotation of manipulating people.  Yet, I would argue that every conflict has a game in it.  Games excite the brain because they offer novelty, control, rituals, status enhancement and rewards – all things that our brains like.  The game of conflict has its own components:

Rules are patterns of human behavior that can be either consciously encouraged or implicitly assumed by the participants in conflict. Rules are fundamental because our brains work like prediction machines, recognizing patterns, making predictions, and fine-tune expectations to better fit the outcomes.  Clashing sets of rules increase the likelihood of tensions and misunderstandings.  Parties may not even be aware of the patterns that govern their interactions as those patterns may be coping strategies or learned responses that are subconscious and automatic.  Examples of such rules may be “Withdraw when feel offended” or “Defend the need to be perfect.” To manage conflict effectively, parties need to uncover those implicit rules and negotiate new more productive forms of engagement.

Rules prompt parties’ specific reactions.  For example, the rule “Defend the need to be perfect” may cause someone to dismiss valuable critique or play safe and avoid challenging assignments. Reactions are observable while rules may not be obvious.  In order to change their reactions, parties may have to become aware of the underlying rules first.

Playing by the rules often leads parties to assume certain roles, such as the victim, aggressor, skeptic, conformist, rebel, etc.  The longer we play a particular role, the more familiar it becomes.  Parties develop scripts and expectations around the roles they play.  Their identities and the sense of self may become inseparable from their roles.

Parties’ behavior patterns in conflict have ramifications, or negative consequences.  Damaged relationships, poor workplace morale and performance, personal unhappiness, and social isolation are all examples of ramifications in the game of conflict. Parties rarely choose these consequences on purpose, but they cannot disengage from them as long as the dysfunctional patterns continue.

Every repeated behavior also has its rewards.  Anger or aggression, no matter how damaging, may be used as a way to gain autonomy and control.  Assuming the mindset of a perpetual victim may absolve the party of the need to take responsibility for the situation or to change.  It is important to understand what we gain from a pattern if we want to change it. Immediate gains are more appealing to the brain than long-term benefits.  Parties may have to look for better ways to get the same benefits or trade the immediate reward for a different benefit.

The conflict management process allows parties to examine each component of the game of conflict and develop a new game with the desired goals and new behavior patterns in mind. The template of rules, reactions, roles, ramifications, and rewards can also be used in conflict management training to design conflict simulations and … games, of course.

What game components do you see in conflicts?

By | 2012-03-28T18:29:10+00:00 March 28th, 2012|Change, Communication, Conflict Management|0 Comments
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Six Tips for Peaceful Holidays

Holidays can be joyful, and they can also be stressful.  If you don’t get along with some family members, you may feel anxious about holiday gatherings and dread possible confrontations.  You may end up spinning negative scenarios in your mind long before the meeting, causing more stress and anxiety.  Here are a few tips to make your holidays more enjoyable and peaceful.

1.  Remember that hot buttons and triggers are always present, but reactions are optional. You can’t control what other people say or do. You power lies in the choices you make and the paths you take.  Stop spinning negative scripts in your head.  Whenever you catch yourself thinking negatively, you can mentally adjust  and rehearse your own scripts for difficult conversations.  Doing so will engage two brain-boosting mechanisms:  play and mental rehearsal.  Play silences your inner critic and helps you generate more creative ideas.  Mental rehearsal programs your brain to act in accordance with your set expectations.  Picture yourself responding in a calm and composed manner.

2.  Mind your body language to handle your head.  Notice how you may appear to others.  Check your posture.  Stand tall or sit upright. Studies show posture affects people’s confidence in their own thinking.  Confident body posture makes you feel more self-assured and projects your confidence to others.

3.  There is no safety in withering, but there is a reward in sizzling.  Choose to show up fully in your life and your relationships.  Life is full of contrast.  There is no “hot” without “cold.”  The balance of sweet and sour gives flavor to our food.  We can’t feel joy unless we know sadness. Contrast keeps the current of life flowing, forcing us to change, adapt, move forward.  Embrace all your emotions and trust your inner core to withstand the storms.  Speak and act from the heart, with empathy and respect, but allow others to feel what they need to feel.  When we doubt our ability to cope with feelings, we deny ourselves the richness and fullness of life.  The surprise of a genuine human connection is much more precious than the safety of posturing.

4.  Sugarcoating issues won’t solve them, but it will make them sticky.  If you feel that there is a potential for misunderstanding or conflict, find a good place and time to discuss things in private and clear up any miscommunication. Our brains are quick to ascribe bad intent to others when they do something wrong, although we tend to exculpate ourselves in similar situations.  These quirks of perception can fuel conflict if they go unchecked.

5.  Building up people is much more fun than tearing them down.  There is no point in resisting people for who they are, but there is a benefit to fully accepting who you are. If you want to be accepted and appreciated, practice accepting and appreciating others.  Instead of looking for flaws, find qualities in others to celebrate.  Complement people on what they do well.

6.  Fill your holidays with passion, not perfection. Passions fuel joy, perfection fuels stress. Emotions are contagious.  Fill your heart with excitement, your belly with laughter and your mind with good thoughts, and spread happiness around.  You positive energy can light up the room better than any chandelier.

By | 2011-12-22T15:13:16+00:00 December 22nd, 2011|Brain, Conflict Management|0 Comments
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Conflict management in an online classroom

I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Marina Kostina, the author of “Teach Online,” for her blog series at Effective Online Teaching & Training a few weeks ago.  We talked about conflict management in a virtual classroom.  Here is the video of our interview.

Other cyberpsychology articles and resources:

Blog “Positively Media:  How we connect and thrive through emerging technologies” by Pamela Rutledge.

The Dark Sides of Our Digital Self by Steven Handel.

The Emotional Reality of Virtual Relationships by Nancy J. Smyth.

Understanding Interpersonal Drama in Virtual Worlds by Nancy J. Smyth.

The Cyberbullying Research Center http://www.cyberbullying.us/.

StopBullying.gov provides information from various government agencies on how kids, teens, young adults, parents, educators and others in the community can prevent or stop bullying.

If you need immediate help, contact:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
It is there 24/7. It is free and confidential.

The Trevor Project is determined to end suicide among LBGT teens and young adults by providing resources and a nationwide, 24-hour hotline.
866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386).

By | 2011-12-05T22:16:31+00:00 December 5th, 2011|Communication, Conflict Management, Learning|0 Comments
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